Warm weather = Hijabi problems.

Being constantly asked, "aren't you hot in that?" is starting to get on my nerves. I honestly don't know how to dress myself in this weather. It's much easier to dress myself when it's cold or raining because I can wear as much as I want without getting weird looks. I'm not going to start wearing shorts and tank-top now just because it feels like we're in a sauna. Seriously I have no idea what to wear and I know I need to go shopping very soon because I don't actually own proper summer clothes. Also I need to stop wearing so much black. I don't do it for "religous" reasons but because I don't feel comfortable wearing something that doesn't match. So I opt for the safest thing I can find in my closet and that's something that's black. I feel like even wearing the hijab years now, I still haven't got the hang of it properly yet. *sigh*

Regret.

“You were the only one I didn't have to worry about.”

When she said that, reality finally hit home. And also disappointment and anger. Disappointment and angers towards yourself, your recklessness and your stupidity. Earlier you'd also seen the evidence of your fuckery that made tears gather in your eyes and made you wish you could go back and redo everything. Start from scratch and show that you weren't a failure. But you can't and even though the disappointment and the hurt is swirling around in your stomach and you feel like absolute shit, all you can do is try to do better next time.

“When you realize there's nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

To say that I'm a pessimist is an understatement. To say that I always look at the bad side of things is putting it lightly. To say that I rarely remember my blessings is also a huge understatement. I'm working on looking at life through optimistic eyes and looking at situations that can, at first look, seem horrendous, as something that can be turned into something good. I'm good at pointing out my flaws and I'm good at complaining of everything that I lack, both physically and personality wise, and yet I stand there doing nothing about it. I complain about not having the body that I want while munching on a burger. Why don't I stand up and work for it? Nothing good in life comes easy. I cry and shout "Why god me?" and wish that I looked like that girl or that girl whose so damn stunning. To be frank, I fear the day that I'll have real woes. What if I'm in an accident and half my face is mutilated? Then how will I handle it then? What if I lose both my legs and my hands? How will I handle it? I think depression would end me. I complain now and let this black, hollow, hole of depression suck me in while I'm perfectly healthy with two legs and two arms, a functioning heart and eyes that I can see with? God I'm disgusting. People who have it ten thousand times worse than me have a better outlook on life. I'm not saying that I'm not allowed to feel sorry for myself here and then, but I just have to realize that I'm so very blessed. Even though I'll never be the prettiest girl or the one with the finest body or the one whose incrediably talented.

Can we talk about sex, ma'am?

Sex is such a taboo subject in my household, we just don't talk about it. Well actually I can talk about it with my sisters to some extend but not really how I'm able to talk about it with friends. You know in movies how kids get the "sex talk" with their parents? Yeah that never happened with me. I learned what it was in school. I honestly believe if I have a family of my own in the future, I'll make sure to have that kind of talk with  my kids and make them aware that they can come and talk to me if they have questions. But I'll become like those typical mothers preaching no pre-maritial sex :P I dont' believe in having sex before marriage and though some believe it's because of my religious beliefs, it's not only that. I believe you should take that important and huge step when you're in a committed relationshop and what's more committed than marriage? You can argue yes or no but in the end of the day, what you do is up to you and not me I don't care to judge your actions I'm not God that's not my job. I just don't fancy how an intimite relationship between two people who love each other can be potrayed as something as simple and not that serious.

I don't know what brought this thought up but I guess I'm so sick of certain subjects being so taboo and hush hush. I'm not saying go into details about your sexual relationship with your significant other don't get me wrong I'm not saying that. But sexuality and all that is not something that's discussed in my culture. And I don't mind but I do think the parents should talk to their kids about these kind of stuff and how to protect yourself etc. But then again I guess that's what you have friends for and I can only assume it's going to be ten thousand times more comfortable talking with them than with your parents.

Also one more thought: female sexuality seemed to be more hush hush than male sexuality. Women aren't as open about it as men because with men "you're the man" if you got laid x many times but with women? heck no. She's called a slut and various other names for being as promiscuous as her male counterpart. I don't like that but will that ever go away? I honestly don't believe it will. Because double standards will exist in society no matter how much you don't want it to.

Anyways late nights bring these random thoughts on and I shall stop for now. Also remember, no glove no love.

If you haven't noticed

If you haven't noticed I've kept putting my blog on private, then off and then on again. To be honest I knew I wouldn't be able to stop the "private on and off" shit until I changed the layout and well now I did I guess. I dont' know how I feel about it yet because I simply did it this way because all the layouts online didn't satisfy me and I just thought the heck with it and decided to go the simplest way. In the future, I'm probably going to be back to the other template simply because I like it too much. Also the comment section is reopened again and I've put the anon option on.

:)

Someday, this won't be an issue.

I sometimes let the need to compare myself, overpower me. I compare myself to other people way too much at a point where it's quite unhealthy  and it will do nothing but lead me into a depression. It's something I'm currently working on and something that I hope will not be a big deal for me later on in life. I have to give myself props to, because it has become so much better than it used to be. I have insecurities now and they suck, but the way they used to be before? Woah, that was a disaster.

The always comparing myself to other is not only physical, where I see a beautiful girl and I compare her beauty to the lack of mine and feel the need to crawl under a rock and hide. You see, I love writing but I can't compare my own writing to other's. And when I do that, I realize how bad I am at it and how inferior my stories really are which makes me want to stop and never start again. To be frank, comparing myself to others is quite pathetic but sadly it's a part of many girl's (and boys) lives. Some can claim that comparing yourself to others, will motivate you to "better yourself" but in my case it does nothing but make me feel completely shitty. So why do I want to continue feeling shitty? I don't right? So I try to stop I swear by God that I do. Sometimes I manage to dominate the urge to compare my lack of everything to a girl who has it all and sometimes it overpowers my desire to be happy with myself. But that's life I guess.

Missing a friend.

How can you miss someone when you know your friendship has been a fraud all along? I don't know why I miss her or our time together now that we rarely see each other. I wouldn't consider her a good friend of mine and there were times I didn't even consider her a friend. Because quite frankly, I felt our friendship was built on "if I have no one else, I'll come to you". If she wasn't with someone else, she'd give me a call and we'd do something together. That to me, isn't much of a friendship. And our conversations were always so superficial, never went deep or talked about our emotions together.

But yet I still miss her and the fun times we had. It's funny though. Last year I was really looking forward to be switching things up so that I wouldn't see much of her and now that I barely get a glimpse of her throughout the school day, a part of me wants her back in my life the way it used to be. Huh. Weird.

Advice appreciated, ya'll.

Okay guys (hello *waves* anybody out there?) I'm opening the comment section for this post because I need advice. I just found out that a good friend of mine is self-harming and I'm dumbfounded and I don't know how to approach her about the subject the best way. I know the whole "don't do this to yourself," speech but I feel like it will be futile. I really want to help her though and show her that I care and hope she stops.

But how? Advices are really appreciate.

untitled.

I'm unbelievably sad at the moment.

I just realized now how much I actually fucked up (education wise) and that there is no redemption at this point. All I can do is pray and pray that I didn't fuck it up too much and that mercy is on my side. That there is a little hope and that I can go on next year and do better. I've been absent far too many times and I've actually disappointed myself on far too many occasions, tricking myself into believing that it was okay. This not the girl that I know. I used to have really good grades (with the exception of math and spanish) and now? *sigh*

I feel like crying.

I covered my hair, not my brain.

You know, I considered taking the scarf off.

Because I thought life would get easier that way. I thought about all the jobs that that might refuse me because of the headcovering and I thought about the people that might be hesitant to befriend me because of a simple garment. I thought of pure hatred some people harbour that they might go to extreme lenghts like physically hurting me because they can see my religious belonging. But because you can see what religion I belong to, doesn't mean you know me and exactly what I believe in (except that there is only one God). You see, there will always be people who are ignorant and stupid and who are haters. If it's not because of your religion they hate you, then it's because of your skin color. If they don't hate you because of your skin color, then it's because of your sexual orientation. A hater will always find a reason to hate you.

And to those people who don't want to be friend me, hey, it's their loss. I have awesome friends and they like me for me. Most of my friend's aren't Muslims and they fully respect my decision to wear headscarf.

There is a downside to being a "hijaby" (a girl who wears hijab/headscarf) and now I'm not talking about how people who are not Muslim view me. If there's one thing I hate about being a hijaby is that Muslim people except so much and judge if you do "less than perfect" and seeing as humans can never be perfect, you're forever judged. A muslim girl who chooses not to cover her hair "sins" is not looked as as bad as a hijbay's "sins" because they say "oh well the prior doesn't wear hijab, what does she know". Fuck that shit, man. I'm not a good Muslim and I don't represent Islam. Don't take my actions and think that they reflect Islam because if you want to know about Islam, don't look at flawed Muslims and think that hey that's Islam. NO! don't be a lazy fucker and if you actually want to know, do some research (preferably not from the world wide web)

But hey, I'm just me. I don't let a scarf put me in a category and I just live my life, trying to be good human the best way that I know.